Hot Daga Complete Transcription
SEASON 1 The Boy in the Box - Q+A DAN skates by on a skateboard, wearing his hat and smiling. The Boy in the Box - Q+A (later) DAN skates by on a skateboard, wearing his hat and smiling. The Boy in the Box - Q+A (later) DAN skates by on a skateboard, looking angry at his lack of a hat. He crashes. An offscreen crash. The Missing Family - Q+A EXT. ROAD - DAY DAN and PAM drive by in a red convertible. The Missing Family - Q+A (later) DAN and PAM drive by in a red convertible. PAM is not happy with DAN’s driving. DAN and PAM’s car gets a flat. Offscreen crash. DAN and PAM’s car spins out and explodes. Offscreen explosion. DAN crawls out of the convertible, on fire and screaming. PAM walks out of the convertible with a pistol and shoots DAN in the head. Offscreen gunshot. PAM gets back in the convertible’s drivers’ seat and drives away. Police cars follow her. After a pause, DAN is shown to be still alive, and crawls away, now with his hat on. JonBenét Ramsey - Q+A EXT. PICKLE BOAT LAKE - DAY REBECCA glides by on a PICKLE BOAT. She is unaware that DAN is alive. JonBenét Ramsey - Q+A (later) EXT. PICKLE BOAT LAKE - DAY DAN, carried by a seagull, pursues REBECCA, who is in her pickle boat. Amelia Earhart - Q+A EXT. PICKLE BOAT LAKE - DAY REBECCA glides by on her pickle boat. REBECCA glides offscreen while DAN continues to pursue her on the seagull. A FIGURE (PAM?) sweeps across, too dark to be seen correctly, seemingly following them. Amelia Earhart - Q+A (later) EXT. DESERT ISLAND - DAY REBECCA stands alone on the beach of the DESERT ISLAND. DAN, gliding down with an air assault parachute, gently lands on the beach beside REBECCA. DAN: Rebecca. REBECCA: Dan! DAN: Why did you run from me? REBECCA: IㅡI didn’t know how to tell you, but… we have a son now. This is Brandon. REBECCA pulls out BABY BRANDON from behind her, who is swaddled and sleeping with a pacifier in his mouth. DAN: (to BABY BRANDON) Hello, Brandon. I’m your father, Dan. (to REBECCA) Why did you try to shoot me and leave me for dead? REBECCA: That wasn’t me, Dan. A VOICE: (menacingly) It was me. PAM emerges from the shadows near DAN, on a large red crab (MURRY). PAM: It’s me, Pam, your evil twin sister. DAN: (shocked) HerㅡRebecca’s evil twin sister? And she’s on a crab? PAM: I won’t have you two together, you know I love Dan. PAM pulls out a lance and points it at DAN. PAM (cont.): (to DAN) And now it’s time to die. Mount your crab. DAN: Brandon, step aside! DAN and PAM’s eyes meet, and they glare at each other. PAM and DAN prepare to joust each other. Room 1046 - Q+A EXT. DESERT ISLAND - DAY This is the moment. The final showdown. The crabs, frothing at the mouth, speed at each other, rage in their eyes. PAM on one, DAN on the other. Flash to white. SHANE (V.O.): The year? 1978. The place? Studio 54. INT. STUDIO 54 - 1978, NIGHT Two sexy hot dogs (DAN and REBECCA) catch each other’s eyes across the crowded room, and they like what they see. They didn’t come here looking for love, but maybe they’ve found it. REBECCA: (to DAN, meeting him) Who are you? DAN: I am Dan. A hot dog. REBECCA: I am Rebecca. DAN: Nice to meet you. I love you. REBECCA: I love you, too. DAN: Promise you’ll never shoot me, Rebecca. REBECCA: I promise, Dan. But I can’t say the same for my… (incoherent mumbling) … evil twin sister… DAN: (shouting over the music) What’s that? REBECCA: (nervously) N-nothing! Let’s cover ourselves in mustard and get crazy! DAN: Good. Natalie Wood - Q+A EXT. DESERT ISLAND - DAY DAN and PAM continue to prepare themselves for the joust, while still mounted on their respective crabs and with their lances. Flash to white. SHANE (V.O.): The year? 1985. The place? Rochester, New York. INT. ROCHESTER CHURCH - 1985, DAY Two slender, sexy hot dogs (DAN and REBECCA) are bathed in the glow of a stained glass window. Behind them, SAUSAGE PRIEST. SAUSAGE PRIEST: Do you two rich, beloved characters vow to love each other, to hold each other in whatever the rest of this wedding speech is? DAN: Rebecca, you are the most beautiful hot dog I’ve ever seen. I hope you never get eaten on the Fourth of July like my parents. I will love you forever. I do. REBECCA: Dan, your words are making me happy, so I am smiling. I love you, and I hope… (turning to muttering) … you don’t get murdered by my evil twin sister. DAN: W-what? REBECCA: (reassuring) Uh―n-nothing! I do! SAUSAGE PRIEST: Very well. I here do, thereby, as the Sausage Priest, another layered, universally-adored character: pronounce thee husband and wife. For better… or for wurst. Poison Pill Murders - Q+A EXT. DESERT ISLAND - DAY As we last left offㅡDAN, a very relatable hot dog, was on a crab, hurtling towards his wife’s twin sister, the evil, but very nuanced, PAM. His wife, REBECCA, and son, sweet BABY BRANDON, spectate in horror. The crabs are on a collision course now. There is no stopping this. Flash to white. EXT. SOUTH PACIFIC ISLAND - YEARS AGO, DAY Two young CRABS (MURRY and GINA) sit on a beach, somewhere in the SOUTH PACIFIC. They are siblings. Between them, their father (PAPA CRAB), with the most beautiful beard a crab has ever had, and a hat, that maybe looks like a wizard’s hat, or whatever is easiest to animate. This, so far, is maybe the richest character yet. PAPA CRAB (to MURRY and GINA): My children. My gentle children: Murry and Gina. MURRY: Yes, Papa? GINA: Yes, my papa? PAPA CRAB: Always love each other, no matter where your paths take you. There is enough darkness in the world, and we crabs are the keepers of the light. We have been since the beginning of time. GINA: But we love each other, Papa. MURRY: But we love each other, Papa! GINA: Yes, Murry and I are siblings, but also best friends. Why would we ever fight? PAPA CRAB: (mysteriously) I have seen it in my special dreams. A hot dog may hypnotize you. GINA: How could a hot dog do that, Papa? PAPA CRAB: Well, she could be a hot dog who is also… a witch. An image of PAM on a broomstick, surrounded by bats, is conjured up by the CRAB FAMILY’s imaginations. Dramatic music. GINA: Papa! MURRY: Papa, you tell the best tales. GINA: Three cheers for Papa! Hup! Hup! Hup! PAPA CRAB: (harshly) Enough! Enough now, children. (resigning himself) Let’s go eat the rest of Amelia Earhart for dinner. Keddie Cabin - Q+A INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT Music. An old warehouse, somewhere on the outskirts of a decaying CITY. Among the tangled mess of tech, a scientist, DOCTOR LISA BRATWURST, sits crumpled on the floor, clinging a bottle. Whatever work had been going on here has clearly come to a grinding halt. DOCTOR BRATWURST: (desperately) My funding! My precious funding! It’s all over now… I suppose I’ll let myself rot. Maybe let a raccoon eat me. Her eyelids are heavy now. She begins to dream of the Machine. Her life’s work. How it could’ve changed the world, if she’d just had a little more support. A little more time. A knock at the door. FUTURE BRANDON enters. Weathered, this hot dog has been places, seen things, but what? FUTURE BRANDON: Doctor Bratwurst. DOCTOR BRATWURST: W-who are you? FUTURE BRANDON: Doctor Bratwurst, I’m in urgent need of your services. DOCTOR BRATWURST: My services? FUTURE BRANDON: Yes. The Machine. DOCTOR BRATWURST: Haven’t you read? The governmentㅡwhich is now run by witchesㅡshut me down. Pulled the plug on funding! And what a shame… I was so close… so close. If only I’d obtained theㅡ FUTURE BRANDON pulls a jar of glowing green liquid out of his utility belt. FUTURE BRANDON: Quantum relish? DOCTOR BRATWURST: (aghast) W-what did you say? FUTURE BRANDON: I said quantum relish. DOCTOR BRATWURST (to herself, or possibly the viewer): That’s a good hashtag. FUTURE BRANDON: (urgently) Doctor. There’s nothing stopping you now. I have what you need. It wasn’t easy to get, butㅡheh, like my dear old dad used to say, there’s no free condiments in life. DOCTOR BRATWURST: M-most condiments are free, actually. FUTURE BRANDON: (aggressively) How dare you. And, please, respect my father. May he rest in peace. DOCTOR BRATWURST: This talk of your father seems very shoehorned into this conversation. So let’s move past it and get to the business of starting up this mysterious machine. (calling) Gene! My french-fry assistant! Are you still here? GENE enters next to DOCTOR BRATWURST. GENE: Ooh, you betcha, Doctor Brat! GENE is great. A character on a par with Elizabeth Bennett, or Pumba from The Lion King. DOCTOR BRATWURST: I agree. Add this guy’s face to Mount Rushmore already. GENE: Who, me? I’m just a lil’ ol’ french fry. DOCTOR BRATWURST: (instructing GENE) Gene, the time has come, at last, to test the Machine. We finally have the missing piece of the puzzle and a willing participant, and our friend here… (to FUTURE BRANDON) I’m sorry, I didn’t catch your name. Terminator 2 music plays. As the machine lumbers to life, its mechanical groans reaching a deafening roar, a dazzling electric field encircles the hot dog. FUTURE BRANDON: My name… is Brandon. And I’ve got a joust to stop. Flash to white. JFK - Q+A (Special Announcement!) A zap echoes. Dramatic music resumes. FUTURE BRANDON time-warps into the center of the frenzied joust. EXT. DESERT ISLAND - DAY On one side, DAN charges with conviction in his eyes, finally standing up for his family. From the opposite, PAM, who is straight-up evil. FUTURE BRANDON is depicted with a witch’s hat and fellow witches. FUTURE BRANDON has trained for this. He’s spent years in deep cover with the hot dog witches, read their ancient tomes, learned their ways, learned how to break their hypnotic curse. It’s all riding on this. FUTURE BRANDON: (clears throat) Crabra-cadabra. Time stands still as the haze lifts from the crabs’ eyes. GINA and MURRY stop dead in their tracks. GINA: Murry! MURRY: Whatㅡwhat are we doing, Gina? GINA: (nearly hysterical) Papa told us! He told us, Murry! MURRY: We should have listened, Papa! GINA: Papa! PAM (to MURRY): Charge, beast! DAN: It’s over, Pam! Your witch magic is no good here, thanks toㅡwhoever this other hot dog is. FUTURE BRANDON: I’m your son… from the future. DAN: (in awe) Holy shit. FUTURE BRANDON: It’s a great plot point. Anyway, I saw you die as a child, and somehow, it made Pam stronger. We never really figured out why, but it’s not a plot hole or anything. (pauses) So, tale as old as time, she took over the government, and the world was run by her and her ilk… of witches. REBECCA: Why did you do it, Pam? Why’d you do any of this? PAM: Because, Rebecca… I’m straight-up evil. FUTURE BRANDON: Well, you know what they say: if it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck… feed that evil hot dog to a goddamn raccoon. (to the CRAB SIBLINGS) Gina! Murry! Take her away. PAM: Shit! THE CRAB SIBLINGS: Hup! Hup! Hup! MURRY and GINA drag PAM away. DAN: Brandon, I can’t thank you enough for spending your life embedded in a hot dog witch coven to travel back in time and save my life. FUTURE BRANDON: Yeah, man, for sure. Um, now I can finally spend time with you and Ma. REBECCA: Um, I hate to be the one to point this out, but we’ve got two Brandons RN. DAN: That’s too many Brandons, right? Weㅡwe can’t have two Brandons, that’s bad for the fabric of reality and space-time, I think. They all look around awkwardly. FUTURE BRANDON: What if I eat him? The baby Brandon, what if I eat myself? DAN AND REBECCA: Okay. It’s technically not murder or anything. FUTURE BRANDON eats BABY BRANDON. REBECCA: Hooray! Three cheers for our family! Hup! Hup! Hup! GENE appears. GENE: I’m here too! REBECCA: (delightedly) The best character! Charles Dickens would kill a man to have written a character like Gene! At last: a happy ending. Applause, and like a song that sounds like Coldplay, or something. Fade to black. Fade up from black. MURRY and GINA deposit PAM on an old log. MURRY (to PAM): This is what you get! This is the law of the wild! GINA: Murry, let’s go before the raccoon arrives. I can’t bear to watch this inevitable carnage. PAM struggles as a large dark figure rises behind the log. It is the RACCOON, come to feast. It lunges toward her, eyes gleaming. PAM: Have at me, beast! Suddenly, a faint glowing ORB descends from the sky and seems to pierce the monster’s skin. The RACCOON stops. It becomes blank, motionless. Its eyes glow, possessed. PAM: … beast? BABY BRANDON: The beast is quelled, Pam. I am a spirit, and I have made this beast’s body my home now. I will not allow it to do you harm. PAM: I―I don’t understand. BABY BRANDON: Well, you see, Pam, I need your help to avenge my death. PAM: Wh-who are you? BABY BRANDON: My name, Pam, is Brandon. And I was eaten by myself. And together, Pam, you and I are going to kill me. PAM: Oh, hell yeah! SEASON 2 Eastern State Penitentiary - Q+A EXT. DESERT ISLAND - DAY REBECCA, DAN, GENE, and FUTURE BRANDON stand on the island. The CRAB SIBLINGS, along with PAM, BABY BRANDON, and the RACCOON, are gone. REBECCA Oh, Dan! And sweet Brandon! We’re a family again. A real family… with a tasty side of Gene. GENE Ooh, that’s my name, don’t wear it out! DAN Holy shit, Gene! Look, everyone: Rebecca’s evil sister, Pam, is dead. I think. Those crabs left her on a log for a beast to consume. (more light-heartedly) It’s time for us to put this whole crazy saga behind us, and remember what it means to be a family. FUTURE BRANDON Three cheers for my hot-dad! Hup! Hup! Hup! A LETTER falls from the sky. GENE catches it. GENE Hey, hey, hey! I got a letter! FUTURE BRANDON Read it, Gene. GENE Ooh, it’s from my sister, Gebra. She’s getting married in California and she wants me to get my old band back together and play for her wedding! FUTURE BRANDON Band? GENE Well, it’s a long story, y’all, but I think I’ll have time to tell it, because we’re gonna get that band back together, and we’re gonna play that wedding! This calls for: a road trip! Title plays: Hot Daga II: Buns on the Run. Cool music. Goatman’s Bridge - Q+A EXT. BOXCAR TRAIN - DAY Somewhere in America, a RAMSHACKLE BOXCAR cruises across the backbone of the nation. REBECCA Gene, what a joy for us to witness your sister Gebra’s wedding. I just hope we make it in time. GENE Ooh, you and me both, Becky! FUTURE BRANDON Gene, since we have some time to kill on this beautiful boxcar, I’d like to get to know you better. GENE Ask away, baby! FUTURE BRANDON What’s your full name? GENE Gene! FUTURE BRANDON Where are you from? GENE Ooh, Idaho, numbnuts! DAN What’s the deal with your band? GENE Sweet Gene and the Risky Fixin’s? DAN Yes. Sweet Gene and the Risky Fixin’s. GENE We formed in the early ‘90s when we were all in nursing school! We’ve won 487 Grammys, and once stopped the assassination of the hot dog president! REBECCA Gene, I don’t mean to be rude to french fries, but how are we going to your sister’s wedding? And how does your band exist currently if you traveled back in time with my big son, Brandon? GENE Oh, what’cha mean, lady? FUTURE BRANDON These people are all real, right? Not ideas incepted into your brain by a witch luring us into a trap? GENE Oh, you’re nuts! Our witch days are over, remember? Or I’m not french fries! REBECCA (quietly) Pretty sure this is a witch trap. GENE Next stop: pickin’ up the first band member in Texas, U.S.A! Pennhurst Asylum - Q+A EXT. STEVEN ROOTBEER’S BAR - EVENING TEXAS, somewhere off an old dirt road, a dilapidated watering hole about to close for the evening. Behind the bar, a grizzled, old, bottle of rootbeer (STEVEN ROOTBEER). GENE walks in. STEVEN ROOTBEER (calling) We’re closed! GENE Oh, don’t worry, partner. I’m not lookin’ for much. Just a sarsaparilla and a few words with an old pal. STEVEN ROOTBEER Well, we’re out of sarsaparilla. Not sure about the other stuff. GENE Steven Rootbeer, do you mean to tell me you’ve forgotten your dearest friend and former bandmate, Gene? I’m critically adored! STEVEN ROOTBEER Hmm. Can’t say the name rattles a tambourine. GENE Look, StevenㅡI’m putting the band back together. STEVEN ROOTBEER (disbelievingly) Like hell you are! GENE Like hell I am! It’s my sister, Steven, Gebra. She’s getting married! Needs us to play. I can’t do it alone. I need… the Risky Fixin’s. STEVEN ROOTBEER (ashamed) Well, I… I didn’t know french fries had siblings. GENE We sure do. STEVEN ROOTBEER (confidentially) You talk to Melba yet? It ain’t the Risky Fixin’s without her playin’ sticks. GENE I’m ‘bout to hop on the train and do that very thing! And I’d like to have you along for the ride. STEVEN ROOTBEER All right, but listen here. I’m only doin’ this under one condition. GENE I’m all ears! STEVEN ROOTBEER You gotta let me lay down some seriously chunky bass lines. GENE Ooh, you got yourself a deal! Now, we’ve got a train to catch! STEVEN ROOTBEER A crow ate one of my eyes at the bank last Labor Day, by the way. That’s why I have an eye patch now. Roswell - Q+A EXT. CENTRAL PARK POND - MORNING A lovely, serene POND. STEVEN ROOTBEER and GENE enter on the left. STEVEN ROOTBEER Well, them hot dogs on the train sure are terrific. GENE They’re a loving family! Compelling! Something like out of an Arthur Miller play! STEVEN ROOTBEER (turning to GENE) Mm. Say there, Gene, I don’t mean to be rude to french fries, but where in God’s blue Hell are we? GENE Central Park! STEVEN ROOTBEER And if you say this is where we’ll find Melba… Suddenly, a VOICE. VOICE You two’ve got some nerve showing up around here. STEVEN ROOTBEER and GENE look out to see their old pal, MELBA DILL, and baby, she’s floatin’. GENE (delightedly) Melba! Long time, no see. We’re gettin’ the band back together! STEVEN ROOTBEER Mm. Yeah, what the beloved french fry said. MELBA DILL hops out of the pond to land in front of GENE and STEVEN ROOTBEER. MELBA (sharply) Now, I think it’s quite clear that I’m comfortable here. Floating, as pickles do. I wake up, I float. I float all day. Did I use to float? No, I damn well didn’t. I used to play drums for an acclaimed rock-and-roll band, a band so good that the Beatles, our enemies, quit making music, grew mullets, and opened up a really good pizza shop in Cleveland. Yes, we were on top of the world. But you let the music get away from you, you idiot men! You blew it all, on wine and trampolines. MELBA leans in closer to STEVEN ROOTBEER, who still looks taken aback. MELBA (cont.) Did it ever occur to you, Steven Rootbeer, that I loved you, and your mustache? Well, I don’t anymore, and I see you’ve shaved your mustache, you idiot! And Gene, you were like a brother to me. But pickles don’t have brothers, clearly, and in short, gentlemen, I don’t care if you’re getting the band back together. You can’tㅡy-you can go chew a baseball! The day we broke up was the best day of my life! And, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve gotta float, because that’s what pickles do. MELBA heads back into the CENTRAL PARK POND. Pregnant pause. GENE It’s just my sister Gebra’s wedding, is all. MELBA (quietly, almost ashamed) Well, IㅡI didn’t know french fries had siblings like that. STEVEN ROOTBEER Aw, come on, what do you say, Melba? MELBA stands up in the pond. MELBA Oh, you idiotsㅡfine! One last performance. GENE Ooh, the Risky Fixin’s are officially back on the map! MELBA (huffs, then says) Whatever, there’s been a raccoon that’s been… snooping around these parts lately, so I was thinking of leaving anyway. Roanoke - Q+A EXT. BOXCAR TRAIN - MORNING REBECCA, STEVEN ROOTBEER, GENE, MELBA, FUTURE BRANDON, and DAN are all congregated on top of the boxcar train. GENE Ooh, the Risky Fixin’s are back together! Thanks for waiting on the train this whole time, Dan, Rebecca, and Brandon. DAN It’s fine. REBECCA Nothing’s stopping us now. Let’s head to that wedding! Suddenly, CONDUCTOR CRAIG’s voice. CONDUCTOR CRAIG (over the intercom) Uh, attention, folks, Conductor Craig here. Havin’, uh, some technical issues with the train, so we’re gonna be stalled for a bit. We’ll try to get everything patched and have us movin’ as soon as we can. STEVEN ROOTBEER Well, dust-bunnies. MELBA Say, you know what we can do to pass the time? Let’s share some fun facts about ourselves. FUTURE BRANDON No, let’s share some fun facts about Gene. STEVEN ROOTBEER Well, my fun fact about Gene is that I saw him do a magic trick once where he sat on his own lap. GENE That’s a good trick! MELBA Well, my fun fact about Gene is that he is french fries but he is also a poet. GENE Aw, sweet of you! REBECCA Well, my fun fact about Gene is that I’ve dreamt about him every night of my life, even before I knew him. GENE (uncharacteristically alarmed) Oh, what the heck? DAN My fun fact about Gene is that I’m suddenly afraid my wife will leave me for him, but he’s a nice guy so that’s okay. GENE (still somewhat alarmed) Aw, Dan, come on! FUTURE BRANDON My fun fact about Gene is that I met him in the future, and I don’t know how his band exists in the present. GENE (playfully) Oh, you’re nuts, Brandon! CONDUCTOR CRAIG comes up to the group. CONDUCTOR CRAIG Oh, hey, folks. REBECCA Oh, Conductor Craig! CONDUCTOR CRAIG Well, the train’s all fixed. Classic case of mustard on the gears! GENE Oh, classic. CONDUCTOR CRAIG Well, it’ll be a haul with the headwind, but we shouldst be on track to get you to that wedding in Hawaii next week. MELBA (delicately, but monotone) Hooray. Viaduct Tavern - Q+A EXT. HAWAIIAN BEACH RESORT - DAY SAUSAGE PRIEST stands above a crowd composed of REBECCA, MELBA, FUTURE BRANDON, DAN, GENE, STEVEN ROOTBEER, GEBRA, and MAIZEY. SAUSAGE PRIEST Welcome to the wedding in Hawaii, now, everyone. We’re gathered here today to witness the union of two souls, Gebra and Maizey. Before I do my thing, I believe Gebra wanted to say a few words. GEBRA Well, I wanted to thank everyone for making the trip! My brother Gene and his band, the Risky Fixin’s, who I’m sure we’ll hear from at the receptionㅡ GENE Oh, did you want us to play? GEBRA (laughs) Dan and his wife, Rebecca, their big son, Brandonㅡ REBECCA, DAN, FUTURE BRANDON Nice to meet you. GEBRA Tony Pepperoniㅡ TONY PEPPERONI enters. TONY PEPPERONI Hi! GEBRA Bradley! BRADLEY enters. BRADLEY Uh huh. GEBRA The Gherkin brothers! The GHERKIN BROTHERS enter. GHERKIN BROTHERS Love you, Gebra! GEBRA Tiffany Elizabeth Ellerbe! TIFFANY ELIZABETH ELLERBE enters. TIFFANY ELIZABETH ELLERBE Charmed, I’m sure. GEBRA The Duke! THE DUKE enters. THE DUKE Aha! GEBRA Slippery Mike, the mustard pile! SLIPPERY MIKE THE MUSTARD PILE enters. SLIPPERY MIKE THE MUSTARD PILE (unidentifiable noise) GEBRA Little Mr. B! LITTLE MR. B. enters. LITTLE MR. B. Happy to be here. GEBRA Pauline, who is a pretzel! PAULINE WHO IS A PRETZEL enters. PAULINE WHO IS A PRETZEL Mmmm! GEBRA Willy, the wacky wonton! WILLY THE WACKY WONTON enters. WILLY THE WACKY WONTON (screams) GEBRA Pauline, who isn’t a pretzel! PAULINE WHO ISN’T A PRETZEL enters. PAULINE WHO ISN’T A PRETZEL What a beautiful day! GEBRA Mike Soup! MIKE SOUP enters. MIKE SOUP Yup. GEBRA Queen Meatballs! QUEEN MEATBALLS enters. QUEEN MEATBALLS Hello! PAM, riding the RACCOON possessed by BABY BRANDON, enters. GEBRA A giant, possessed raccoon, and Rebecca’s evil twin sister, Pamㅡwait a minute, you weren’t invited! FUTURE BRANDON Oh no! GEBRA (frantically) Gene, what’s happening? PAM (hoarsely) That’s right! It’s me, Pam! And I’d like to welcome you to Hell! Time to die! Colchester Castle - Q+A EXT. HAWAIIAN BEACH RESORT - DAY Dramatic music. A WEDDING has been gripped by terror at the appearance of a maniacal HOT DOG WITCH (PAM) and a possessed RACCOON (BABY BRANDON). PAM Prepare to die! Flash to white. INT. HALL OF SHADOWS - NIGHT The HALL OF SHADOWS. A HOODED FIGURE, the DARK MASTER, sits on the THRONE. PAM and BABY BRANDON bow before him. PAM Greetings, master. DARK MASTER Explain the raccoon. BABY BRANDON I am Brandon, master. Son of the Hot Dog clan. Eaten by my future self, now possessing a raccoon. DARK MASTER Makes sense. And what has become of the hot dog clan? PAM The joust… did not go as planned. We were nearly fed to crabs. It was a mess. But it was a hugely satisfying season finale. DARK MASTER (harshly) I am displeased! But that does sound narratively rich. The hot dogs: they must be destroyed. PAM We have… one last idea, master. DARK MASTER Spill it, Pam. PAM Well, you know that prophecy that every hot dog child hears on their eighth birthdayㅡabout the hot dog who survives a crab joust and is then tossed into the fiery pit of a Hawaiian volcano, where their soul is forged by lava into the Gauntlet of Ultimate Power, or, G.U.P. DARK MASTER Ah, the G.U.P, of course. Hmm, I can see how that prophecy seems to partially align with the narrative thus far. Very convenient. So your plan, then, is to drop Dan the Hot Dog into a volcano, then procure the G.U.P. for me. PAM Mm, that’s right. BABY BRANDON And we’ll drop the rest of the hot dog family in there, too, because fuck them. DARK MASTER Very well. Pam, I suggest you use your witch hallucinations to guide Gene to Hawaii. Wherever he goes, they will follow. He is a born leader, extremely charismatic. BABY BRANDON True. DARK MASTER Understand: this is your last chance, Pam. If you fail me again, you will know a fate worse than death. But if you succeed, we will rule the world. (laughs) Laugh with me! PAM, the DARK MASTER, and BABY BRANDON all laugh evilly. London Tombs - Q+A EXT. HAWAIIAN RESORT - DAY PAM Prepare to die! DAN Now hang on a second. PAM What? DAN What gives you the right to interrupt this perfectly delicious wedding? PAM … It’s all fake, Dan. A ploy. Gene’s from the future, remember? These are all witch holograms… All WEDDING GUESTS turn transparent and hologram-blue except for REBECCA, FUTURE BRANDON, DAN, SAUSAGE PRIEST, GENE, and MIKE SOUP. PAM (cont.) … of fake memories meant to lure you all to this Hawaiian volcano, so we could kick you into the lava and kill you forever, as the prophecy dictates. GENE (distraught) You’re tellin’ me that the Risky Fixin’s aren’t real? PAM No. They’re witch holograms. REBECCA And what about Gebra and Maizey? PAM Gebra’s not even a real name! Witch holograms! FUTURE BRANDON And all the wedding guests? PAM Witch holograms again! Except for Mike Soup. MIKE SOUP What a beautiful day. PAM This whole wedding venue is a hologram. It’s actually a witch cave above a volcano… INT. HAWAIIAN VOLCANO - NIGHT The WEDDING VENUE fades away to reveal a rickety bridge above the HAWAIIAN VOLCANO, where the WEDDING GUESTS and PAM are standing. PAM (cont.) And now, I’m going to pull this lever, andㅡ MAIZEY Hold on one goddamn minute. PAM Maizey? MAIZEY That’s right. I may be corn, and I may be a witch hologram, but I was conjured to love Gebra. And she’s as real to me as anything I’ve ever knownㅡand you gotta be stupid to think that I’m going to let the simple fact that we’re both holograms created by some annoying hot dog witch and her raccoon pal, get in the way of our day! FUTURE BRANDON The raccoon is actually the ghost of my younger self. I ate him, and now he’s mad. MAIZEY (to BRANDON) I don’t care, Brandon! (to PAM) Witch lady, Pam, whatever your deal is, will you press pause on your shit for five minutes? PAM UhㅡIㅡf-fine! MAIZEY Good! (to SAUSAGE PRIEST) Sausage priest! You’re real! Marry us! SAUSAGE PRIEST By the power zested in me, I now pronounce you, fries and corn. Applause. PAM I’m still gonna kill everyone! MAIZEY I don’t give a shit, Pam! This is our day. (to GENE, MELBA, and STEVEN ROOTBEER) Risky Fixin’s, I know you’re mostly holograms, but surely, you’ve been practicing. Play our song. GENE Ooh, you got it, ladies! A one, two, three, four! SWEET GENE AND THE RISKY FIXIN’S sing “Relish Life”. GENE (spoken) This one goes out to Gebra and Maizey! GENE (sung) No witch can say MELBA (No witch can say) GENE Which way is the right way! You just gotta trust what you feel in your heart MELBA (Feel in your heart) GENE And no witch can see! MELBA (No witch can see) GENE How things ever come to be Like how the Hot Daga became high art GENE, STEVEN ROOTBEER, MELBA An evil hot dog witch is trying To tear us apart! instrumental break GENE (spoken) Hit it, Melba! GENE (sung) But as long as you’ve got your friends There’s nothing you cannot do Come witches or raccoons No, sir, they cannot get to you It helps if you’re a beloved character Rich, compelling, adored worldwide But it’s hard to relish life… without your best friends by your side GENE (spoken) Oh, thank you very much! THE WEDDING GUESTS applaud. PAM… PAM, it looks like something’s changed with PAM. PAM This performance has made my heart grow three sizes! GENE Ooh, really? STEVEN ROOTBEER It’s a Christmas miracle. PAM Yes, but… no matter the size… it’s still a witch heart, dingbats! (to BABY BRANDON) Baby Brandon! Pull the lever! BABY BRANDON pulls the lever. THE WEDDING GUESTS, falling, scream. Flash to white. SEASON 3 Jack the Ripper - Q+A MAIZEY giggles while running across the screen. Gardner Museum Heist - Q+A EXT. LAVA LAKE NEAR JUNGLE FOREST - DAY On the shores of a LAVA LAKE, a french fries (GENE) snaps awake, gasping for air. GENE (gasps) Aah! Wh-what? Where am I? What happened? From a distance, a call. VOICE Gene! GENE (disoriented) Oh, wㅡw-we’ve gotta stop themㅡthe witchㅡ MAIZEY emerges as the VOICE from the JUNGLE. MAIZEY Gene! It’s me, Maizey. GENE M-Mai… sie… MAIZEY The holographic corn wife of your holographic sister, Gebra, who I fear has perishedㅡbut I cannot attempt to process that at the moment, for the fear… of the emotional toll it would take on me. GENE (still disoriented) Wh-wh-what happened? MAIZEY (urgently) Gene, you’ve gotta get your head in the game! I think that shitty witch succeeded in her evil plan: sacrificing Dan, the hot dog, into the lava! GENE Uh, how’d we survive? MAIZEY We must’veㅡswam to shore. GENE (still wrapping his head around it) But, wait, if Dan’s been sacrificed, thenㅡ MAIZEY Then the prophecy has come true, and the Gauntlet of Ultimate Power, or, G.U.P.ㅡ GENE Yes, the G.U.P.ㅡ MAIZEY ㅡhas appeared. It’s only a matter of time before the witch and raccoon procure it, and deliver it to their dark master. Then all is lost. GENE Ooh, what a plot! MAIZEY It’s a lot, but it’s very good. GENE I guess we lost. MAIZEY We lost everything. GENE stutters. MIKE SOUP emerges from the JUNGLE. MIKE SOUP We could go back in time to stop it all. GENE (delightedly) Ooh, Mike Soup! How’d you survive? MIKE SOUP I swam to shore, just like you guys. The lava was too hot. GENE What’d’you mean, go back in time? MIKE SOUP I mean we can just take my spaceship, and head to the wormhole in the Grazilon quadrant. Hop into that thing and bloop back in time. MAIZEY Oh, okay! That sounds easy! MIKE SOUP I have to be honest, it’s not easy. But what choice do we have? GENE Whㅡtrue! Well, let’s do it, then. For Gebraㅡand Dan! And Brandon, and all those other breathtaking characters who are dead now. MAIZEY Okay, then. Space. MIKE SOUP Space. GENE Ooh, space! Cleveland Torso Murders - Q+A EXT. LAVA LAKE - DAY A can of soup (MIKE SOUP), a french fries (GENE), and a holographic corn (MAIZEY) board a ramshackle old spaceship. INT. STARSHIP MINESTRONE - DAY MIKE SOUP Welcome to the Minestrone. A first-class twin engine. She’s a little beat up, but she’ll get you to the drive-through, if you know what I’m saying. GENE Mike! This ship: it’s a beaut. A shippy beaut. How’d you snag such a fine chunk of metal like this? MIKE SOUP I ran guns. MAIZEY You don’t meanㅡin the Space Wars? GENE You mean when space-Pope Chili the IX declared war on soups? MAIZEY Yes. Of course. No need to explain that, we’ll remember it always. Many soups died. GENE Ooh, which side did you fight on, Mike? Were you in the sauce? MAIZEY Gene, that’s rude. MIKE SOUP That is rude, Gene. I was in the sauce. I fought for soups. I’m soup. MAIZEY Thank you for your service. GENE (after a pause) Say, you’re not the Mike Soup, are you? The Soup Baron? The pirate captain who personally assassinated space-Pope Chili the IX and brought an end to the Space War, but also blew up a civilian transport in the process and became a space pariah, forced to the outer rim, where he continued to fight the remaining hostile factions of the Chili Empire, who refused to acknowledge the Treaty of Ver-soy? MIKE SOUP No. I’m not that Mike Soup. GENE Okay, where we goin’? MIKE SOUP We’re headed to planet Tomat-Zero, I know a guy there that can get us the Bernoulli converter we need to make the hyperspace jump to the wormhole in the Graxilon quadrant. MAIZEY Enough talky-time. More spacey-time, idiots. We have to go back in time so I can save my dead wife, and all your stupid friends. MIKE SOUP Very well. (to the MINESTRONE AI system) Minestrone! MINESTRONE AI Yes, Captain? MIKE SOUP Engage the twins and set a course for Tomat-Zero. MINESTRONE AI Aye-aye, Captain. Star-Trek-ish music. Zoom into MIKE SOUP and the DARK MASTER’s eyes. Isdal Woman - Q+A INT. HALL OF SHADOWS - NIGHT In a darkened lair (the HALL OF SHADOWS), surrounded by GEOTHERMAL VENTS belching putrid air, the dark one (DARK MASTER) sits on his throne, waiting. DARK MASTER (incomprehensible noises) PAM and BABY BRANDON arrive. PAM Master. DARK MASTER Have you succeeded? BABY BRANDON Yes, master. We threw them into a volcano. They’re gone. DARK MASTER All of them? BABY BRANDON Most of them, I think. Except a hologram and a french fries. DARK MASTER But Dan, the hot dogㅡhe was devoured by magma? PAM Yes. My brother-in-law was devoured by magma. DARK MASTER Very good. Then the prophecy is complete and the Gauntlet of Ultimate Power, or, G.U.P., is mine. PAM (mimicking “hup”) G.U.P.! G.U.P.! G.U.P.! They cheer. Confetti falls from the ceiling. DARK MASTER I will now summon the Gauntlet with the ancient rites. (in an echoing voice) Mousse… Tardon-catch… Upantpick… Eltour… The ground shakes. A GAUNTLET (the GAUNTLET OF ULTIMATE POWER, OR, G.U.P.) appears with a flash and lands on the DARK MASTER’s hand. PAM and BABY BRANDON watch in horror as the DARK MASTER grows by about twenty-five percent, and his eyes get more evil, signifying him becoming more evil. DARK MASTER I am the end now. I will grow, grow until I can eat the Sun and plunge the Earth into despair! PAM (nervously) … Wow, hell yeah! Now we can finish off those french fries and that old can of soup! DARK MASTER Soup? PAM Yeah, Mike Soup. DARK MASTER The soup survived? BABY BRANDON Yeah, who gives a shit? It’s not like he’s french fries or that hologram. DARK MASTER (to PAM) You have disappointed me, hot dog witch. The DARK MASTER’s eyes burn red as he raises his GAUNTLET, pointing it at his hapless minions (PAM and BABY BRANDON). DARK MASTER Hup! A flash. A sizzling crack. It rings like a bell. Where PAM once stood, there is nothing but a bun and two eyeballs. BABY BRANDON stares in awe. BABY BRANDON Holy shit! Ken Rex - Q+A Space. The final frontier. These are the travels of the STARSHIP MINESTRONE, its mission to reach the GRAXILON WORMHOLE to travel back in time to save their friends and loved ones from burning up in a volcano, and then rock out to a baller RISKY FIXIN’S song. INT. STARSHIP MINESTRONE - DAY GENE Ooh, Captain! MIKE SOUP Ensign. GENE Exiting FTL travel! MIKE SOUP Bring her in slow. This pony’s been in the stable for a month of Sundays. GENE Aye-aye, captain! MAIZEY moves over to one of the CONTROL PANELS. MAIZEY Captain, our scanners are picking up a planet. MIKE SOUP Of course they are. It’s a planet. Ah, Tomat-Zero… it’s been too long. MAIZEY Why the hell are we going here again? MIKE SOUP An old friend of mine. Heh, he’s got the Bernoulli converter we need to make it to the Graxilon Quadrant and slip our asses through that saucy wormhole. GENE What’s he doing on a planet like this? Based on these scans, it looks like a swampy pile of junk! MIKE SOUP You’ll see. He’s very compelling, perhaps more compelling than Gene. Perhaps the most compelling character… in existence. GENE (nervously) Hehㅡuhㅡthat’s, uh… that’s very funny. MIKE SOUP Ensign french fries! Plot our approach to Tomat-Zero. GENE Uh, sure… GENE and MAIZEY nervously look at each other while GENE moves over to one of the other CONTROL PANELS. MINESTRONE AI Boop boop boop! MAIZEY Captain, we’re being hailed. MIKE SOUP Put him on the screen. The SCREEN shows the CHILI PIRATES on call. The CHILI PIRATE CAPTAIN laughs. CHILI PIRATE CAPTAIN If it isn’t Mike Soup! The beloved space ace. Surrender your ship, and we’ll let you live. MIKE SOUP I don’t negotiate with assholes. (to MAIZEY) Maizey! Shields up! Arm the torpedoes! MAIZEY Captain, we don’t have any torpedoes. MIKE SOUP Oh, shit, I forgot to buy new ones! The MINESTRONE AI system starts to beep as the CHILI PIRATE CAPTAIN laughs. GENE Oh, Captain, their torpedoes are headed our way! The MINESTRONE CREW braces themselves as the ship shudders, and an explosion rips through the bridge. William Desmond Taylor - Q+A EXT. TOMAT-0 JUNGLE FOREST - DAY The jungle planet of TOMAT-0. A holographic corn (MAIZEY) is suddenly awake now, next to a WALKIE-TALKIE. MAIZEY gasps. MAIZEY I can’t believe it! I’mㅡalive. And not a kernel out of place, if I do say so myself. Hmm. The WALKIE-TALKIE beeps. MAIZEY (into the WALKIE-TALKIE) Maizey to Minestrone. Over. The WALKIE-TALKIE beeps. MAIZEY (cont.) Minestrone, do you read me? Over. (after a pause) Mm. I must’ve been thrown from the ship during descent, and if I survived the crash, it’s highly likely that the rest of the crew is still alive. Looks like I’ll have to trek through these jungles to track them down. (after a pause) Must get a move on. Never know what lurks out here in theㅡ Suddenly, from the BUSH, a VOICE. VOICE Oh, wow, okay, hey. MAIZEY Who goes there? VOICE Oh, no, no, hey, come on, nothing to worry about here. Just a Plupple, passin’ through. MAIZEY (to herself) That doesn’t make any sense… (to the VOICE) You phantom weirdo, show yourself! VOICE Hey, you gotㅡyou got it, corn! A PLUPPLE (GARCE) exits from the BUSH. GARCE Heh, just a Plupple, nothing to see here. Come on, cut me some slack. MAIZEY Who the hell are you? GARCE Oh, me? I’m a Plupple, named Garce. Plupple’s a variety of fruit native to this planet, and I’m a piece of it! So, you know, that’s… what I am, and, far as I can tell, I think I’ve answered your questions, so hey, everything’s good. MAIZEY … A Plupple, huh? GARCE Oh, yeah, born and raised. Come from a long line of Plupples. Sorta like a peach, but sexier. And blue! My parents were very juicy, and I am, too. MAIZEY Fine. I’m Maizey; my ship crashed on this planet, and I need to find my crew. GARCE Oh, yeah, sure, I saw that thing rocket through the sky. Hell of a dust cloud when that thing went down. MAIZEY starts towards GARCE. MAIZEY You saw it crash? GARCE Oh, yeah, sure, I saw it. Had to be, uh… oh, three clicks southeast of the Plateau? I can take you there. MAIZEY (hesitantly) Mm… you don’t seem trustworthy. GARCE Oh! Pfㅡwhoa, I’m plenty trustworthy. Plupples can’t lie! MAIZEY What? GARCE Oh, yeah, sure, check it out. (calls) Hey, Farch! FARCH enters from the BUSH. FARCH Oh, howdy, Garce. Howdy, lady-who’s-a-vegetable- I’ve-never-seen-before-‘cause-it’s-not-native-to- our-planet. GARCE Hey, Farch, why don’t you do me a favor and tell me your name ain’t Farch? FARCH (nervously) Wh… what’s your thinkin’ there, Garce? GARCE Well, the lady’s all rattled. She doesn’t trust a Plupple! FARCH (shocked) She doesn’t trust a Plupple? GARCE Yeah, she doesn’t trust a Plupple. Why don’t you go on and help me out, give her some reassurance? Tell a lie. FARCH Hmm… well, all right, but you owe me. Here we go. FARCH takes a deep breath. FARCH (cont.) My name’s not Farch. It’s Troyle. FARCH starts choking. FARCH Heuhㅡaghㅡ! FARCH screams as he explodes. After a pause, MAIZEY sighs deeply. MAIZEY Okay. Take me to where you saw the ship crash. And so, MAIZEY, and her strange new friend, GARCE, set out into the wilds of TOMAT-0. Will they find the rest of their crew? Will they ever reach MIKE SOUP’s acquaintance and obtain the BERNOULLI CONVERTER they need to travel to the GRAXILON QUADRANT and slip through a wormhole to rewrite history and save their friends? Find out next time on the Hot Daga! A Ryan Bergara production. Louis Le Prince - Q+A EXT. TOMAT-0 JUNGLE FOREST - DAY In the jungles of the alien planet TOMAT-0, MAIZEY, the holographic corn, follows GARCE, the PLUPPLE, to the supposed crash site of the STARSHIP MINESTRONE. GARCE Uh, so, w-what’s your deal again, corn lady? MAIZEY Uh, I’m a hologram. Dreamed by a witch. It’s a shitty situation, but I’m in love with my dead hologram wife, so I’m going to keep existing until I can travel back in time and save her. And, I guess, Earth. GARCE Hmm. Makes sense if you… actually track the story, probably. Waitㅡyou’re from Earth? Wow. Okay, yeah. MAIZEY Why, you’ve heard of it? GARCE Oh, yeah, for sure. I heard about that place on the space news. Yeah, guess some, uh, big evil guy with a nasty glove is chewin’ it all up? Said he ate the Moon as an appetizer. MAIZEY I’m guessing that has to do with all my shit. GARCE Hmm. Wonder if Earth’s tasty. Big evil guy should consider eating this planet, way things are going. MAIZEY Well, what do you mean by that? GARCE Eh, plight of the Plupplesㅡit’s rough, corn. I-I’m basically the smartest Plupple in the galaxy, on account of my Papa teaching me how to read. And even I’m a straight-up bonehead! GARCE and MAIZEY pass an idle PLUPPLE (SMEECH). GARCE Oh, hey Smeech! SMEECH Plup! Plup! Plup! Ooh-whee! GARCE (to SMEECH) Haha, alright, man. Hey, say hi to the grandkids. (to MAIZEY) See? They’re dummies. And they’re all marching to the beat of ol’ Doctor Goondis! MAIZEY Doctor Goondis? GARCE Hm? Oh, yeah, some nutty old guy that made a home for himself here after the Space Wars. Used to be a real technical whiz, charismatic as all hell, but he’s been a little funny for a while. Plupples love him though! MAIZEY Space Wars, huh? Wonder if this is the guy Mike Soup planned for us to meet. GARCE Oh, I hope not. Dude’s cracked. Oh, hey, watch out for, with our next stepㅡ MAIZEY falls into a PIT TRAP. GARCE looks mildly surprised. GARCE Huh. Well, I mean, uh oh! INT. UNDERGROUND CAVES - DAY Darkness. MAIZEY lands with a thud. Around her, a scuttling. MAIZEY ignites her GLOW STICK and light spills on her environment. In the darkened cavern, she is surrounded by PLUPPLES. They don’t look like GARCE. They look dumb as hell. MAIZEY Oh, whoa there, folks. Hang on now. I-I’m a friend of Garce. Can any of youㅡlook, I’mㅡI’m just trying toㅡ The PLUPPLES all coo. PLUPPLES Plup! Plup! Plup! Their coos echo and overlap each other. MAIZEY (over the PLUPPLES) I can’tㅡI-I need to get out of here and find my ship! MAIZEY picks up the NEAREST PLUPPLE. MAIZEY Please, tell me there’s a way out of here! NEAREST PLUPPLE There’s a way out of here! The NEAREST PLUPPLE explodes. The PLUPPLES all coo. Suddenly, from the deep, a bellowing. DOCTOR GOONDIS bellows twice. MAIZEY Whatㅡwhat theㅡwhat is that? DOCTOR GOONDIS continues bellowing. MAIZEY Is thatㅡDoctor Goondis? We still can’t see the figure, but we hear it from the deep. DOCTOR GOONDIS Don’t worry. I am Doctor Goondis. (giggles maniacally) Blegh! The PLUPPLES start calling “Doctor Goondis!” DOCTOR GOONDIS Euh… Neh. Neh. The Jamison Family - Q+A INT. UNDERGROUND CAVES - NIGHT The PLUPPLES carry MAIZEY through a labyrinthine cavern, at last arriving at an expansive underground rotunda. Splintered beams of light from the world above spill onto a PULPIT, nestled in stalagmites. An elderly PLUPPLE, JOBBLET, plupples out to address the crowd. JOBBLET Mm. Plup plup. The PLUPPLES plup and coo. JOBBLET Hmm, very good. I see we have an interloper in our midst. MAIZEY My name is Maizey. And I need to leave. JOBBLET Oh, it speaks! Well, Maizey, I’m not here to dictate the course of your plight. Us Plupples aren’t fit for decision-making. Yes, sir, we tend to leave matters of importance up to our wise master. (to the PLUPPLES) With that in mind, my fellow Plupples, please plup your plups togetherㅡ DOCTOR GOONDIS bellows amongst the cooing of the PLUPPLES. JOBBLET (cont.) ㅡfor the venerable… Doctor Goondis! DOCTOR GOONDIS rises from the floor on a pedestal, surrounded by more, but smaller, PLUPPLES. DOCTOR GOONDIS (to the PLUPPLES) Hello. I love you. (to MAIZEY, or perhaps the viewer) I love all my Plupples. JOBBLET Ooh, venerable Doctor Goondis! Might you care to introduce yourself to the interloper we’ve all been hearing about. DOCTOR GOONDIS I am the man named Doctor Goondis. I am the glimmering beacon, and I’m both the mayor and the sheriff. Approach me now, and you won’t get hurt. MAIZEY I demand to know why I’m being held against my will! DOCTOR GOONDIS You’re charged with various crimes, including allegedly harassing my dearest Plupples. MAIZEY Excuse me? DOCTOR GOONDIS Don’t worry! You will still go to jail. JOBBLET Venerable Doctor Goondis, what means of trial shall we grant this criminal? DOCTOR GOONDIS Uh… (pauses) Uh… should probably figure that out. Mweep, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doop, doopㅡ (suddenly, to JOBBLET) I’ll tell you what. Bizarre and violent trial with a giant Plupple. JOBBLET Mm, so it is decided! The corn shall prove her innocence in combat with the giant beast-Plupple. MAIZEY This is ludicrous! My home planet is being devoured by a sinister bogeyman! I don’t have time for this! DOCTOR GOONDIS (odd giggles and mumbling) … However, don’t give us any problems, and I’ll delay the trial during this time, due to the fact I want to get perfectly sane. Ha, ha. JOBBLET Hm, yes, yes, we all know, venerable Doctor Goondis. You’re getting more and more sane by the day! (to the PLUPPLES) The venerable Doctor Goondis has spoken. Plupples: take the corn to her holding cell, where she will be held until the Doctor feels sane enough to judge her physical testimony. The PLUPPLES swarm MAIZEY and carry her off. INT. MAIZEY’S CELL - NIGHT A METAL GRATE slams shut, and MAIZEY finds herself alone in a darkened CELL. To her right, a PLUPPLE GUARD snores as he listens to the RADIO. MAIZEY listens in. RADIO DJ Well, you’re listening to Earth radio, and if you’re just tuning in, things are pretty bad. A giant evil guy with a gauntlet is currently eating the world. He ate Europe for lunch, burped so loud he sunk Iceland, and now he looks to be starting on North America for dinner! Everyone’s dying, and the world is basically over. MAIZEY listens in horror, trapped, with no way to go back in time, no way to help. Suddenly, she flickers a bit, and for the first time, her holographic luminance begins to fade. RADIO DJ (cont.) And, since it looks like we’ve only got time for one more song, let’s throw it over to this beloved ballad from the Risky Fixin’s! SWEET GENE AND THE RISKY FIXIN’S sing “Plupple Honeymoon”. GENE Sometimes your life Don't go exactly how you planned A volcano eats your wife And a GENE, MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER Witch kills all your friends GENE And what else can you do But hop aboard a spaceship with a GENE, MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER French fries and a can of soup? instrumental break GENE You’ve gotta believe in yourself Even if you’re just a GENE, MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER Hologram GENE Even if nobody gives a damn MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (Even if nobody gives a damn) GENE There’s not a Single Plupple gonna stop you ‘Cause you got a plan Travel back in time and murder Pam MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER (Travel back in time and fuckin’ murder Pam) GENE MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER Sometimes you get marooned Ooh Didn't plan on Plupples for your honeymoon Ooh-ooh Sometimes you get locked up Ooh Sittin' in a cell while Plupples “plup plup plup” Ooh-ooh But somewhere deep inside Ooh You know your tasty lil’ pals are gonna Ooh-ooh GENE, MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER Find a way to save your hide! pause GENE (spoken) Three, four! MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER Ah! GENE You’ve got a Love inside your heart It’s burnin’ like a GENE, MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER Fryin’ pan! GENE MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER So you keep existing if you can! Aah! (You keep existin’ if you can!) GENE MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER ‘Cause it’s the Hot Daga! A juicy lil’ tale about Aah! Just doin’ the best you can And it’s got a hundred-billion fans! instrumental break GENE, MELBA, STEVEN ROOTBEER And it's critically… acclaimed﻿! The RADIO cuts out. MAIZEY (to herself) The fact that I doubted myselfㅡfor even a split secondㅡis some military-grade bullshit. I’m gonna get off this stupid Plupple planet yet. I just need… A VOICE Some help? MAIZEY What? W-who is that? PAM I think the question you meant to ask is… witch is that? From the shadows of MAIZEY’S CELL, a FIGURE appears. It is glowing and small, about forty percent bigger than Jiminy Cricket. PAM It’s me. Pam. And I’m pissed. Will MAIZEY triumph in gladiatorial combat? Did GENE and MIKE SOUP survive the crash landing? Will DOCTOR GOONDIS regain his sanity? Why is PAM little? Find out next season on the Grammy-award-winning Hot Daga, commissioned by Ryan Steven Bergara. SEASON 4 (currently) Rolling Hills Asylum - Q+A EXT. TOMAT-0 - EVENING The STARSHIP MINESTRONE sits silently in the wilds of TOMAT-0, looking a bit worse for wear, but still in one piece. From the bush, a PLUPPLE. PLUPPLE #1 Plup! One! Big one for us! Once more, a PLUPPLE emerges from the bush. PLUPPLE #2 Mm. Yes. Wow, wow, wow. Yes, yes. Good. Big one for us. PLUPPLE #1 Big one. Hello! As the PLUPPLES climb about the STARSHIP, the MINESTRONE’S COMPUTER SYSTEM lumbers to life. MINESTRONE AI Greetings. I am the Starship Minestrone. PLUPPLE #1 yelps. PLUPPLE #2 Mm! No! No, no! Big one talks! MINESTRONE AI I’m kind of messed up, but I await your orders, captain. PLUPPLE #1 Aah! Big one! MINESTRONE AI Wait, who the hell are you? Where’s Captain Mike Soup? PLUPPLE #1 I am Mike Soup! PLUPPLE #2 Who, who, I am Mike Soup! Both PLUPPLES explode. MINESTRONE AI What the fuck was that? A VOICE (GENE). VOICE Whoa! Clean-up on Aisleㅡ“Weird Alien Planet.” Audience laughter. A second VOICE (MIKE SOUP). VOICE #2 Holy shit, that’s funny, Gene. Was that from something? From the inside of the ship, a beautiful french fries (GENE) and a very reliable can of soup (MIKE SOUP) emerge. MINESTRONE AI Captain, good to see you are alive. And Gene, too, seriously, was that “clean-up on weird alien planet” bit from something? GENE Mm, nope! I just said it! MIKE SOUP Well, in any case, like any soup worth its salt, we’ve got to assess our circumstances here. (to MINESTRONE AI) Minestrone! My wonderful starship, who I actually love like a wife: systems check. MINESTRONE AI I love you too, Captain. Systems are fine, despite those Chili Pirates roughing us up. I gotta take a nap or something, though. MIKE SOUP Sleep, my darling spaceship. MINESTRONE AI Baller. Powering down. The STARSHIP MINESTRONE powers down. MIKE SOUP Gene. GENE Yes, Captain? MIKE SOUP Any sign of Maizey in the immediate vicinity? GENE Mm, no corn here. She’s tough as turkey jerky, though, and doesn’t have any internal organs, so she likely survived the descent! MIKE SOUP Excellent analysis. And why is that winged, sexy, blue peach about to attack us from the sky? A screeching. A horrifying, winged PLUPPLE (a SKY-BEAST) bares its teeth, its talons poised to attack. GENE Whoa, I can’t die! I’m beloved! Suddenly, a HOODED FIGURE (GARCE) pounces from the BRUSH and gestures to the SKY BEAST. GARCE Uh, bah! Shotat, chucka-too! The HOODED FIGURE holds out an OFFERING, and the winged creature, appeased, grabs it and flies off. GARCE Huh! Almost got yourselves into some hot water there, guys, wow! MIKE SOUP Who are you, hooded sphere? The HOODED FIGURE takes off his cloak to reveal that he is GARCE. GARCE Oh, h-hey there, my name’s Garce; I’m a Plupple! GENE Oh, I’m Gene, and that’s Mike! We’ve got a whole story. MIKE SOUP Do you have control of the sky beasts, Garce? GARCE Ohㅡoh, no, hah, I just paid him to leave, but long story, but I won a contest, and now I’m on the money, so I get as much of it as I want! H-here, have some Plupple bucks. GARCE hands MIKE SOUP and GENE some PLUPPLE BUCKS. GENE Well, thanks! Question: what the hell’s going on? GARCE Oh, okay, yeah. Oh, hey, so I heard you talking about Maizey. MIKE SOUP Wait, you know Maizey? GARCE Oh, for sure, yeah. Last I saw her, she fell down a pit, and you know, that stinks, but hey, I got a hunch I know where she is. Happy to take you guys there. GENE (to MIKE) Soup? MIKE SOUP Eh. Best shot we got, I suppose. (to GARCE) Lead the way, Plupple, but if you do anything dumb, I will kill you with my hat. Will GENE and MIKE find MAIZEY? Will MAIZEY face trial by combat under the orders of DOCTOR GOONDIS? Will the crew of the STARSHIP MINESTRONE procure the BERNOULLI CONVERTER they need to travel back in time and save their friends? Why is PAM little? Find out this season on the Hot Daga: Escape from the Planet of the Plupples! Bellaire House - Q+A In the SUBTERRANEAN CAVERNS of the alien planet TOMAT-0, a holographic corn named MAIZEY sits, confined in a PLUPPLE PRISON CELL. To her side, the tiny ghost of a hot dog witch named PAM. INT. MAIZEY’S CELL - NIGHT MAIZEY Okay, look. Before you get into whatever thing you’re all about now, I have to tell you, I’m not a big fan. PAM That’s fair. MAIZEY You conjured me from nothing― PAM That’s true. MAIZEY ―As part of some pawn in your, I don’t know, plot? Or just your stupid disaster of a life? PAM (getting more uncomfortable) Uh huh. MAIZEY And yet, you bestowed a life of memories into my holographic brain. Didn’t need to do that, by the way. That’s cruel, you understand that? PAM I―I know. MAIZEY And you even let me know love! True love! Completely unnecessary! PAM It was a bad move. MAIZEY Only to drop my wife’s ass into an actual volcano! PAM (weakly) Hell yeah. MAIZEY Nope. You better shut up there, witch. PAM I’m sorry. MAIZEY And for what? Some petty bullshit that I’m not even a part of? I don’t know you, hot dog. And I didn’t ask to exist――in fact, I was very content not being. But now, thanks to you, a-hole, I do exist. I feel. I suffer. And I get pissed about stuff like, oh, being stuck on a prison on a planet full of very dumb blue things and their drooling, Humpty-Dumpty-ass King, or my crewmates! The soup, and my spectacular Grammy-winning brother-in-law, probably being dead as hell in the jungle somewhere! And while we’re on the subject, it’s worth noting that I’d probably happily die myself, except, oops, I’m in love with a dead, wonderful, french fries, and I’m gonna do everything I can to travel back in time and save her ass, by, I guess, killing you. MAIZEY leans towards PAM aggressively. MAIZEY Why are you little? PAM takes a deep breath. PAM Well― JOBBLET Plup plup. From the CORRIDOR, the call of JOBBLET, the elder PLUPPLE, echoes. MAIZEY Oh, Jesus Christ. PAM sniffs the air. PAM Huh, that smells like magic. Look, I’m sorry about doing you dirty. I’m a nasty, old, hot dog witch, and you don’t trust me, I get it. Plus, I’m little now, and that’s probably very confusing. MAIZEY Yeah, why are you li― PAM There’s no time! JOBBLET Here comes Jobblet! Hoo, nee too, la, rah, la, roo! MAIZEY Shit or get off the pot, hot dog witch! I’m about to get carried off and eaten by a big-ass Plupple! PAM What the hell is a Plupple? MAIZEY It’s like a peach, but dumb as hell. JOBBLET Oh, isn’t it very nice to enter a room! MAIZEY Oh, well, great! You’re officially worthless to me, witch! PAM That’s not fair! But I am going to disappear right now! Pam, Pam, kazam! PAM disappears in a poof, just as JOBBLET, the elder PLUPPLE, enters. MAIZEY (under her breath) Good-for-nothin’ witch! JOBBLET Hmm? MAIZEY Oh, I―I said your eyebrows are very thick! JOBBLET Oh, thank you! Yes, I love them. Anyway, the venerable Doctor Goondis is feeling much saner now, and he requests your audience in his throne room! Perhaps a few parting words before the trial by combat. MAIZEY Fine. JOBBLET Also, bit of an update for you: your crewmates survived the crash! MAIZEY Oh! Great! JOBBLET But then they were attacked by a pack of feral Plupples and perished. MAIZEY What? No… Mike… Gene… they couldn’t have… I don’t believe you. JOBBLET Well, always trust a Plupple. MAIZEY Always trust a Plupple. JOBBLET Anyway, off we go to see the venerable Doctor Goondis! Plup, plup! Hoo, la, rah! What does the venerable DOCTOR GOONDIS have in store for our holographic hero? How will MAIZEY press on in the wake of the death of her crewmates? Why is PAM little? Find out next time on the Hot Daga. Fade to a screen for a brief moment’s contemplation of the offscreen deaths of CAPTAIN MIKE SOUP, and GENE, the greatest character ever written, now laid to rest on the planet of the PLUPPLES. Ohio State Reformatory - Q+A EXT. WHITE VOID - SOME TIME AGO A HOT DOG WITCH awakens. Her name is PAM. From the VOID, a VOICE. VOICE Pam… didn’t expect to see you here so soon. A FIGURE appears. An elderly CRAB (PAPA CRAB), luminous, with, like, one of those cool HATS that you can win at SIX FLAGS. PAM Who are you? PAPA CRAB laughs. PAPA CRAB Oh, Pam… the question is… who am I? PAM (confusedly) Y-yes. PAPA CRAB I am he, who you will never know. Father of Gina and Murry. Father of many things, in fact. Protector of the light, et-cetera. PAM W-where are we? PAPA CRAB Well, I haven’t quite put that together yet. My guess is we’ve got some things to discuss, you and me. PAM I―I don’t have time for this. I’ve got― PAPA CRAB (slightly bitterly) You’ve got what? Things to do? PAM Matter of fact, I do, you appetizer. PAPA CRAB Well, before you run off to whatever so urgently demands your attention―why don’t you catch me up on where you are in the grand scheme of things? PAM Ugh. Fine. I murdered a bunch of sordid foodstuffs to appease the Dark Master, because I’m a baller-ass witch who does stuff like that. Then I informed him of the prophecy fulfillment so he could summon his Gauntlet of Ultimate Power, or, G.U.P. PAPA CRAB G.U.P. G.U.P. G.U.P. PAM Yeah, the G.U.P. PAPA CRAB And then what? PAM And then he… he pointed the G.U.P. at me, And I… and I was here. PAPA CRAB Oh, okay. We’re both dead, then. This is, uh, for sure, a place where we’re both dead. PAM What? Shut up. Nobody’s got the condiments to kill a witch like me. PAPA CRAB Oh, we’re for sure dead. I’ve been in here for years, and I had no idea, but you telling me that story made me realize that my last memory was of putting the goldfish in my mouth to make my children laugh. Then I choked to death. PAM (heartbroken) Then… the Dark Master… betrayed me? PAPA CRAB Oh, you’re running with that guy? He sucks. Play shitty games, win shitty prizes, Pam. PAM I killed my own sister… and her husband, and sort of their son in a roundabout way, all for nothing! PAPA CRAB Yeah, that―that’s messed up. PAM (to herself) You know, I was so consumed with hate and anger that I lost sight of who I was. Where I came from. The things I loved. PAPA CRAB M―yeah, okay. PAM Are you just, like, checked out of this conversation now? PAPA CRAB What? L-look, lady, I’m not some sage gatekeeper here to impart advice. I’m just a guy in a void. If you’re so torn up about what you did to your fellow hotdogs, just get back in the game as a ghost. PAM Oh, is that an option? PAPA CRAB Oh, for sure. But be warned: once you die as a ghost, you’re done for good. You get one last stab at it, then it’s lights out. It’s sort of like reheating leftover fish. PAM (uncomfortably) Uh, tight. So how do I, uh― PAPA CRAB gasps as a rumbling starts to shake the VOID. PAPA CRAB Crabra-cadabra! The SPIRIT GATE appears. PAPA CRAB Just, uh―before you enter the Spirit Gate, make sure you announce your intent and proclaim your spirit form. PAM Uh, all right. PAM approaches the SPIRIT DOOR. PAM (to the SPIRIT DOOR) I enter this door with the intent to right my wrongs, to aid those who I have harmed, and to defeat the evils I sought unleash. (pauses) The world’s had its fair share of the Dark Master. Maybe it’s time… for a little Pam. PAM enters through the DOOR. Fade to white. Phoenix Lights - Q+A EXT. TOMAT-0 JUNGLE FOREST - DAY The tiny ghost of a HOT DOG WITCH Apparates in the middle of the JUNGLE FOREST of the alien planet TOMAT-0. Her name is PAM, and for the first time in her afterlife, she’s doing the best she can. PAM (calling) Gene! Mike Soup! It’s me, Pam! We don’t know each other super well beyond me dropping all your friends in a volcano! PAM laughs to herself. PAM (cont.) Oh, man, I can’t believe that worked. Anyway, I got murked and it chilled me out. Just visited Maizey in a subterranean prison cell, and it seemed like she could use your help. So I “Pam, Pam, kazam”-ed out of there, which is my catchphrase, now that I’m fun. Anyway, I’m here to help now, so… come on out! Silence. PAM Tell ya what, I hate this planet. As PAM continues through the JUNGLE, her eyes behold an EERIE SIGHT. The lifeless BODIES of GENE, a NOBEL-PEACE-PRIZE WINNING FRENCH FRIES, and CAPTAIN MIKE SOUP, a GUY who was really good soup. PAM Oh, what the heck? I… I know I spent a great deal of my life trying to make you guys dead, and full disclosure: seeing you this way, there’s a small part of my funky, no-good heart that’s like, “Hell yeah!” But the rest of me is different now. (to GENE’S BODY) The rest of me weeps to know that I’ll never hear another chart-topping hit from Gene, the french fries who sang songs so good that the U.S. government lays their engraved sum of their lyrics onto the face of the Moon. (to MIKE SOUP’S BODY) And Mike Soup, I know you pretended you weren’t the infamous Soup Baron, but we’re all pretty sure you were. Without you, the Chili Wars might still be raging. VOICE Oh, wow, haha, a little talking hot dog lady! From the BRUSH, a PLUPPLE (GARCE). PAM (startled) Oh―freeze, dingleberry! Get your hands where I can see them, or I’ll do some messed up ghost witch stuff to you that would make puke, puke. GARCE Oh, hey, no, no, no big deal. Hey, you want some mint? It’s got my face on it. (laughs) Here’s a million Plupple bucks. GARCE throws a PLUPPLE BUCKS at PAM. PAM I don’t want your money, you ho-humming bean bag! I want to know who ordered you to kill these travelers, since you’re obviously too inept to make any decisions for yourself. GARCE Huh? Oh, no, they’re just napping, is all. Promise! (laughs) You can trust me. I’m a Plupple. PAM (aggressively sarcastic) Oh, all right. That actually makes sense to me, because the one thing I’ve always said is you can definitely trust someone who repeatedly insists you can trust them, you idiot! I don’t care if you’re a Plupple, I don’t care if you’re Alfred Molina! You think I murdered an entire menu of beloved wedding guests by being honest? I’m the queen of deception and straight-up dirty tricks. “Game recognize game,” however inferior. Hope you don’t have much on your to-do list, donkey nut, because you’re about to get possessed by a hot dog witch! GARCE Huh. Oh, wow. What the heck you talking about? PAM hovers in the air briefly, then shoots toward the unsuspecting PLUPPLE. PAM Pam, Pam, ka-zam! GARCE stands motionless. He blinks. GARCE (quietly) Shouldn’t’ve done that, hot dog. Ominous music. From deep inside GARCE, PAM’S voice echoes, faint. PAM W-what the hell? W-where am I? GARCE Should’ve done your homework, hot dog. Only thing deep inside me to possess is a pit. PAM Oh, this is messed up! How was I supposed to know Plupples have pits? GARCE laughs. GARCE They don’t! Enjoy your stay, Pam! GARCE moves to walk away, but GENE awakes. GENE Whoa! What’s all the commotion? Nearby, MIKE SOUP awakes from his nap. MIKE SOUP I’ve just had a tremendously confusing dream about that old hot dog witch, Pam. GENE Oh, that lady bummed me out! GARCE (nervously) Oh, heh, hey guys! We better get a move on if we want to reach your friend before sundown. Ha, I let you sleep an extra ten minutes because you looked so at peace! MIKE SOUP Oh, gosh, you’re a peach. GENE Oh, you said it, Mike! Moon River Brewing - Q+A INT. JOBBLET'S STALACTITE PENTHOUSE - DAY In the SUBTERRANEAN PLUPPLE CAVE of the planet TOMAT-0, JOBBLET, the elder PLUPPLE, lounges in his STALACTITE PENTHOUSE, readying himself for the spectacle of MAIZEY’S trial by combat. JOBBLET has an orange spot on his forehead. JOBBLET Heh, ooh, Jobblet, what have you gotten yourself into this time, hmm? Well, anyway, back to status quo soon. Enough racket, really. Yes, sir, a little peace and quiet, under the, heh heh, the guiding hand of the venerable Doctor Goondis, oh boy. Then I can really focus on my brows. Mm, my luscious, strong, good brows. A PLUPPLE GUARD enters. PLUPPLE GUARD Plup! JOBBLET Ah. Plup, plup. Very good. Send them in. GARCE enters, along with MIKE SOUP and GENE. GARCE Uh, hey man. Brows are looking great, wow. JOBBLET Garce, my boy. I see you’ve brought some pals. MIKE SOUP Swanky stalactite, Plupple. JOBBLET Hello, boys. I’ve heard many great things about you. I hope Tomat-0’s been treating you well. My name’s, uh, Jobblet. JOBBLET brings them beverages. JOBBLET (cont.) Drinks? GENE Ooh, boy, we could use ‘em! MIKE SOUP Wait, Gene. I’m not in the habit of taking drinks from blue strangers. JOBBLET Oh, Michael, be reasonable. I have no nefarious intentions. Plupple’s honor. MIKE SOUP Hmm. Very well. We could use a drink. JOBBLET hands the boys some drinks. He raises a glass. JOBBLET Well, here’s to meeting new bros in space! Hup! MIKE SOUP Hmm, bit presumptuous, but I’ll drink to that. Hup! They all drink. GENE Hup! Hey man, no offense to a Plupple, but who are you? JOBBLET Oh, heh, heh, I’m sort of the right hand man to the big egg. MIKE SOUP You mean Doctor Goondis? JOBBLET Oh, you’ve heard of the man? GENE Oh, they go way back. They were thick as milkshakes in the Chili War together, right? MIKE SOUP I don’t want to talk about the war, but yeah, we kicked ass. Anyway, we’d like to collect our friend Maizey and talk with Goondis ASAP about a part for my beautiful Starship Minestrone. She’s ill, the poor thing. JOBBLET Well, any friend of Goondis is a friend of mine. You wouldn’t happen to be looking for his Bernoulli converter, would you? Because I happen to have that, right here, all yours. JOBBLET tosses the converter to MIKE SOUP. GENE Whoa, that was easy! Well, let’s grab Maizey and get out of here! JOBBLET Oh, I just have one favor to ask for in return. Small thing, really. MIKE SOUP Name it. JOBBLET Garce is gonna need you to accompany him on a short trip. MIKE SOUP (having a hard time making sense) That’s, uh, not really convenient. Is, uh… is Maizey around? W-We’ve really gotta, um… JOBBLET Oh, Maizey’s in safe hands, trust me. In fact, she’s gearing up for trial by combat this very moment! Law’s the law, boys. GENE No, Maizey, uh… (woozily) Say, what’s in this Plupple grog? It’s, uh… MIKE SOUP (almost unconscious) W-What did you… you shitty Plupple… I’m gonna kill you with my hat… GENE (delirious) But… I-I’m beloved! JOBBLET Oh, you were beloved, Gene. By the people of Earth! And I regret to inform you that they’re all dead now. Thanks, in large part, to you, actually. GENE Y-You’re gonna die for this… you Plupple fuck… GENE and MIKE SOUP fall unconscious and onto the floor. JOBBLET Well, that took long enough. (to GARCE) Garce, the Persica’s all fueled up in the launch bay. Coordinates should be uploaded. Don’t forget the Converter; he wants that too. GARCE Y-You got it. Haul ‘em away, boys. Oh, hey, you missed a spot, Papa. JOBBLET observes a small patch on his forehead. It is not blue. JOBBLET Oh, seems I have. GARCE exits with the boys. Suddenly, a COMMUNICATION SCREEN opens up. DARK MASTER Jobblet. JOBBLET Oh! Oh, yes, Master! DARK MASTER Is the package secured? JOBBLET Oh, yes, Master. The soup and french fries are en route. DARK MASTER And the Converter? JOBBLET That as well. All of them tied up with a little bow on top. DARK MASTER Excellent. By the time they arrive, I should be done digesting Earth. JOBBLET Oh, so we’re square, then. DARK MASTER I will extend the dark cloud over Goondis’s mind for the time being, but know that I may call upon your services in the future. JOBBLET Thank you, Master. Well, if that’s all settled, I’m off to watch a giant Plupple murder a holo-corn. DARK MASTER I don’t care. The TRANSMISSION cuts out. Will MAIZEY survive a battle with a giant Plupple? Where are MIKE SOUP and GENE going? Is SMEECH still a part of this thing? Tune in next week for the return of the venerable DOCTOR GOONDIS in an all-new installment of the Hot Daga: Escape from the Planet of the Plupples! Sorrel-Weed Mansion - Q+A INT. PLUPPLE STADIUM ARENA - DAY In the SUBTERRANEAN PLUPPLE CAVE STADIUM of the planet TOMAT-0, MAIZEY, the holographic corn, stands in the center of an expansive COLOSSEUM. In the stands, the PLUPPLES have gathered in droves. Though they’re not super aware of what’s going on, which is that MAIZEY is about to prove her innocence in trial by combat against a GIANT PLUPPLE. JOBBLET, the elder PLUPPLE, addresses the CROWD from his pulpit in the stands. JOBBLET Oh, plup, plup, my fellow Plupples! It’s almost Friday: the day for kissing. Everybody’s pluppin’ for the weekend, am I right? The PLUPPLES plup with excitement. JOBBLET But before we finish off another wonderful week of mining for that special mineral that makes my eyebrows look as good as they do, we have some business to attend to! The PLUPPLES plup with excitement. JOBBLET Now, I’m sure you’ve all noticed a lot of commotion around here lately, but I can assure you things will get back to status plup, ASAP. As you, no doubt, recall, we have been terrorized by the hologram corn interloper who stands before us. (to MAIZEY) Uh, Maizey, can you say “hi” to them? MAIZEY Hello, Plupples. The PLUPPLES plup. JOBBLET Now, the venerable Doctor Goondis has graciously offered our dear friend here the chance to prove her innocence via trial by combat. But he had to heal up, get more sane, you all know how Doctor Goondis gets. The PLUPPLES begin to chant for DOCTOR GOONDIS. MAIZEY Hey! Brows! Wrap it up! JOBBLET Hm. Well, I suppose it’s time to bring out our dear leader to see if he’s sane and ready. Plupples, plup your plups together for the venerable Doctor Ernesto Gordon Goondis! The chant grows as a giant pulpit raises in the stands. A gruesome, drooling egg: it is Doctor Goondis. He does not look well. DOCTOR GOONDIS Alright, I’m back. MAIZEY (yells) Goondis! JOBBLET (to MAIZEY) Look, Maizey, some decorum. MAIZEY (to JOBBLET) No. (to DOCTOR GOONDIS) Goondis, if you value your life, you might consider staying out of mine. Really. Is there any way we can just put this all behind us? Maybe if you just let me find my friends and get out of here. DOCTOR GOONDIS Are you fucking kidding me? You shouldn’t have asked that question. MAIZEY I―I figured it was worth a shot. Uh, I’ll still do your stupid combat thing. DOCTOR GOONDIS Oh, thank God. Phew! I was about to flip my shit. MAIZEY Even though, full disclosure, no offense, you seem nuts. Every PLUPPLE on the planet gasps. JOBBLET Oh, Maizey! MAIZEY What? The guy can barely string a sentence together. DOCTOR GOONDIS (angrily) I may be just a dumb Doctor Goondis, but I am so clever, some describe me as being a god. JOBBLET Oh, venerable Doctor! The lady thinks you’re touched in the mind. Can you please put her in her place? DOCTOR GOONDIS Okay. JOBBLET Hm, uh, here he goes! DOCTOR GOONDIS and the PLUPPLES sing DOCTOR GOONDIS’ RAP. DOCTOR GOONDIS PLUPPLE BACKUP #1 PLUPPLE BACKUP CHORUS Doctor Goondis, Doc-Doctor Goondis, Doctor Goondis, Doctor Goondis, Doc-Doctor Goondis Doc-Doctor Goondis Doctor Goondis, Doctor Goondis, Aah! Doc-Doctor Goondis Doc-Doctor Goondis Aah! Doctor Goondis, Doctor Goondis, Aah! Doc-Doctor Goondis Doc-Doctor Goondis Aah! DOCTOR GOONDIS My name is Doctor Goondis And I’m here to say You will soon straight-up die today All my little Plupples know, I’m perfectly sane So now it’s time to play my funny little game My giant fuckin’ Plupple’s gonna kill you dead But here’s a little something from the top of my head: DOCTOR GOONDIS PLUPPLE BACKUP #1 PLUPPLE BACKUP CHORUS Doctor Goondis, Doctor Goondis, Aah! Doc-Doctor Goondis, Doc-Doctor Goondis, Aah! Doctor Goondis, Doctor Goondis, Aah! Doc-Doctor Goondis Doc-Doctor Goondis Aah! instrumental change DOCTOR GOONDIS All the Plupples in the house say: Hoo! Duh, goo goo agh bleh! '''' ALL PLUPPLES Hoo! Duh, goo goo agh bleh! DOCTOR GOONDIS Brreah, brreah! Boom, boom, ma’am! ALL PLUPPLES Brreah, brreah! Boom, boom, ma’am! DOCTOR GOONDIS Goondis. Goondis. Heh, heh, heh, heh! ALL PLUPPLES Goondis. Goondis. Heh, heh, heh, ha! Goondis. Goondis. Heh, heh, heh, ha!' DOCTOR GOONDIS (to MAIZEY) Also, I swear to God, if you kill my giant Plupple, I’m going to skin you alive. DOCTOR GOONDIS mutters to himself. (to MAIZEY) Good luck. JOBBLET Mm-hmm! Well, he seems sane enough. Let the combat begin! Release Mufus. The cranking of the heavy iron gate echoes in the ARENA, as a gargantuan feral PLUPPLE lumbers into view. It is blue, like you’ve never seen blue, and it dwarves MAIZEY. While DOCTOR GOONDIS stares blankly, the PLUPPLES plup, and JOBBLET barks at the giant PLUPPLE from the crowd. JOBBLET Faster, Mufus! The giant PLUPPLE lumbers ever closer and roars in response. MUFUS (in a distorted voice, possibly mocking JOBBLET) “Faster, Mufus!” MAIZEY scrambles backwards. MAIZEY Whoa, whoa now! I don’t wanna hurt you! MUFUS “I don’t wanna hurt you!” JOBBLET continues to hiss. JOBBLET Now, Mufus! Now! MUFUS “Now, Mufus!” As the giant PLUPPLE bears down on MAIZEY, she closes her eyes for a brief moment. They snap open. MAIZEY I’m so sorry, Mufus. MUFUS “I’m so sorry, Mufus!” MAIZEY I am not a giant Plupple! MUFUS “I am not a giant Plupple!” MUFUS stops, from deep in his belly, a rumbling. JOBBLET stands up in the crowd, horrified. The giant PLUPPLE, now in agony, bellows one final time. MUFUS Thank you, Maizey. JOBBLET (whispers) Mother of God. MUFUS explodes. It is deafening. Tune in next week for the season finale of the ''Hot Daga: Escape from the Planet of the '' Plupples!' __FORCETOC__